Seeking...my truth.

Image by my friend Chelsea, makespecial on instagram

The following is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.  I wrote this in a memo on my phone this morning while riding the train: 

"At what point does living a dream become a reality, a new norm?  The magical veil lifts and I just see work.  And I wonder if I am always gonna have to 'work' to be happy...

     But, what would it look like if I stopped?

     If I stayed in bed this morning, like I wanted to?

     If I didn't have my dreams to live and work for, I believe my self-esteem would suffer.  I 
     would question my abilities more, and become afraid that maybe I can't do this or that.
     Then, a paralysis would follow.  Can't try because then it will be confirmed that I am 
     actually less than I thought I was.  It will be confirmed that I am incompetent in some 
     way.  

     Funny the things that fear does to us. 

Ultimately, what I'm feeling is what is important.  Trying is important.  Forward movement is important.  And it doesn't matter what it looks like!  Self-judgment can only 
hold me back if I allow it. 

If I wasn't living my dream, if I wasn't doing hard work everyday in something my heart is engaged in, THEN I would be less.  I would be depressed.  I would be living a paralyzed shell of a life, waiting for the days to pass by.  Using drugs, internet, TV, material items, sleep etc. to kill my days.  To avoid fears of my own incompetence; those ever-nagging fears of not being enough. 

If I wasn't challenging myself and these fears daily (via 'work'), I would not be truly alive. "

In terms of my life here in California, and participating in this dance program, this realization is everything.   The "dream" and wonder of this adventure has worn off.  I'm left with sore muscles, stress dreams about choreographing dances my instructor doesn't like, waking up at 6:30am every day during the week, a 2+ hour commute to begin and end my day, practice to be done at home while nursing a head cold, and so on.  It is work.  I'm pushed to my limits physically and emotionally on the daily.  I have to make a conscious choice to do what needs to be done every minute.  

These thoughts about the "work" have been bogging me down a bit.  
Life is hard and I am not perfect.  But this ever-growing/changing reality is my truth, and I would take that over the alternative any day!  :D 

I love you guys!  Thanks for reading and hanging with me throughout my introspection.  <3