Seeking...Not a single thing

I received extremely validating feedback in class today.  After a completely unplanned, truly improv solo piece I did (for my final), I was met with:
             Hoots and hollers.  
             Compliments on my energy and commitment.  
             Suggestions that I should audition for commercials, and more... 

I don't even remember what I did!  I chose my song.  It started.  I let go.

Dance is when I'm in my purest, therefore, most vulnerable form.  To be seen, and met with overwhelmingly ecstatic feedback, was the deepest feeling of acceptance I have ever felt.

I am extremely thankful.
For this experience.  For my instructors who continued pushing my boundaries.  For my ever-talented, and ever-supportive classmates.  I love it all.

Right now, I'll just glow.  Let's not think about my last day tomorrow...

Seeking...Smooth transitions

Ahhh, endings and beginnings. Transitions.  Always fun...not. :D

I don't want to write this post.
I don't want to acknowledge and accept that I only have finals and I'm done with this short, transformative segment of my life.

On one hand, I am ecstatic at the thought of being done with homework and school-related stress, much as anyone feels at the end of a semester.  But, this was not "normal" school, and I'm not returning to the program in January to spend more time with my classmates and instructors.

This is where the deep sadness comes in.  These 3 months have been so short, but so very full in dance as well as all other aspects of my life.

So, what's next?  I did this extraordinary thing in the realm of my dreams, and now how do I go back to "real life" and incorporate what I've learned?  Too bad I can't "google map" my life path... :)

Day by day.  My slowly forming plan is this: create a new, updated reality for myself--one that merges my dream into a day-to-day sustainable lifestyle.  One way this will happen is moving to California for real, with my cat (whom I miss dearly!), in the beginning of January (!!).  The rest will fall into place because I have a deep knowing that THIS path is right and it's still going!

I hope you will keep following <3

Here is a video of our dance for Contemporary (it's only the first half of the dance, but I think it looks SO cool! AND I do a somersault in it):

Seeking...my truth.

Image by my friend Chelsea, makespecial on instagram

The following is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.  I wrote this in a memo on my phone this morning while riding the train: 

"At what point does living a dream become a reality, a new norm?  The magical veil lifts and I just see work.  And I wonder if I am always gonna have to 'work' to be happy...

     But, what would it look like if I stopped?

     If I stayed in bed this morning, like I wanted to?

     If I didn't have my dreams to live and work for, I believe my self-esteem would suffer.  I 
     would question my abilities more, and become afraid that maybe I can't do this or that.
     Then, a paralysis would follow.  Can't try because then it will be confirmed that I am 
     actually less than I thought I was.  It will be confirmed that I am incompetent in some 
     way.  

     Funny the things that fear does to us. 

Ultimately, what I'm feeling is what is important.  Trying is important.  Forward movement is important.  And it doesn't matter what it looks like!  Self-judgment can only 
hold me back if I allow it. 

If I wasn't living my dream, if I wasn't doing hard work everyday in something my heart is engaged in, THEN I would be less.  I would be depressed.  I would be living a paralyzed shell of a life, waiting for the days to pass by.  Using drugs, internet, TV, material items, sleep etc. to kill my days.  To avoid fears of my own incompetence; those ever-nagging fears of not being enough. 

If I wasn't challenging myself and these fears daily (via 'work'), I would not be truly alive. "

In terms of my life here in California, and participating in this dance program, this realization is everything.   The "dream" and wonder of this adventure has worn off.  I'm left with sore muscles, stress dreams about choreographing dances my instructor doesn't like, waking up at 6:30am every day during the week, a 2+ hour commute to begin and end my day, practice to be done at home while nursing a head cold, and so on.  It is work.  I'm pushed to my limits physically and emotionally on the daily.  I have to make a conscious choice to do what needs to be done every minute.  

These thoughts about the "work" have been bogging me down a bit.  
Life is hard and I am not perfect.  But this ever-growing/changing reality is my truth, and I would take that over the alternative any day!  :D 

I love you guys!  Thanks for reading and hanging with me throughout my introspection.  <3

Seeking...Survival

Writing in my journal is always helpful.  I thought it would be helpful to share this clip with you.  I do have some friends here. lol.  But, I am missing faces that I've known for longer than 2 months.

Last week was hard.  Because being an adult is hard.  Those expectations do not go on hold for following dreams.  I still have to pay bills, clean up after myself, pull myself out of bed in the morning, feed myself, and so on.  Money is a difficult one across the board, even in dreamland.  I was getting pretty nervous about finances.  And finances are such a taboo thing to talk about!  So, I kept it to myself, and ended up feeling (you guessed it!) alone.

Then, I broke down and texted some friends that I knew could relate without wallowing.  I knew I had to reach out.  It's crippling to keep those worries to myself!  And things started changing immediately!  One wonderfully amazing friend gave me the gift of work shoes (which I needed for my NEW JOB, but I didn't have the dang money for!).  I got a call that day that the small loan I applied for was approved. (Yay!)  The next day, a last paycheck from Colorado arrived in the mail. 

Crazy stuff.  

So, I did get a job last week.  I will be working for a catering company, hopefully some nights and all weekends.  This is exciting.  I had orientation last week, so I already started making money, lol!

Here is a collage of cool things in the area (all pics taken in the last week):

Now what about dance?!  I knew you were wondering.

Dance is still great.  I've also had to re-navigate some of my personal priorities in terms of school.  Last week I skipped some classes.  Most of you know that is NOT something I do.  I highly value attendance AND I'm paying for the program so I don't want to waste that time!  But, I had to put my own survival, as well as mental health first. 

This week feels MUCH more stable, and once again, I'm believing that things are possible.  I am capable. 

I love you guys!

For the grand finale of this blog post, I'm including a link to my Dance Reel that I had to make for my Business for Dancers class.   Enjoy!  (and the song kicks serious butt, too!)

https://youtu.be/yWIrDEdbVsY

(I would have loaded the video like usual, but I guess it was too big this time!)

Seeking...Time and space to re-focus!

Well, hello there!

Midterms were last week. I'm still very tired and trying not to be burned out!  Over all, I believe I did well.  I was very happy with myself, but still see much room for improvement, of course.  

It got pretty emotional at the end of the week because it was sooo much.  

There's 2 classes in which our levels (beginner/advanced) are mixed, and I struggle to tease apart if the classes are too advanced for where I'm at in my dance education, or if I just need to try harder.  I had been trying harder, and trying to believe in myself more, and still came up short.  

Ahh, acceptance of who I am, and recognizing that I am enough, in every moment, because who I am in each moment is all I've got!!  Maybe it sounds cliche...but it's so true.

I'm including some videos I was able to take from my midterms.  In most of the videos, I am improvising dance moves before and after the actual choreography that we learned (it's required, AND it's fun...).

Hip-Hop Dance for Midterm, but this is my class while we were still learning it:

My Jazz Midterm:

My Contemporary Midterm: 

A Long-Beach-in-the-fall Collage (pics taken Sunday 11/8/15): 

Anyway!  I'm still feeling very spacey and scattered from last week.  Hopefully I will be able to ground myself and re-focus soon!

LOVELOVELOVE,

Shannon

Seeking...To Blossom

I love this little graphic.  I saw it a week or so ago, and saved it, knowing it would come in handy.  During the past week, I have been staring at the walls of the "tight bud" that I have been in.  

I was getting overwhelmed and worried about midterms, which are next week.  

Realizing the growth I have already witnessed in myself, but also fearing the growth that is to come in the second half of the program.  

Hanging out in the "ambiguity" or the "unknown" is never a comfortable space!  

Today, I made the graphic below to further illustrate where I'm at. 

So, in the summer, I had my little blue zone where all was known, but I was reaching for the edges, with a taste for adventure. 

In the beginning of the dance program, I dashed into the green zone where growth was felt, but I still had control.  It was "safe" to me.

  

This past week, I hopped the fence into Uncharted Territory.  I know I'm pushing my boundaries.  I'm challenging my belief system, letting myself accept the coveted (to me) identity of "dancer", I'm choosing to believe that I DO have the ability to achieve the movements, and I'm calling myself out on my excuses (which always have roots in fear).  

When I first got here, I had a naive sense of excitement for an adventure!  

But, it's not all bells and whistles, glitter and unicorns.  

The REAL adventure is letting my core be touched by the experience.  And that's not so much exciting as it is scary, and tear-filled.  

The surface looks glamorous, but living it is gritty.   It's making difficult choice after difficult choice to keep trying, and keep believing in myself, when I'd rather just reject myself and hide instead.

I have not made it into the purple zone**, but that's good; I'm not ready for it yet.  However, if I stay patient, gentle, and honest with myself throughout the current Uncharted Territory, I know I will be prepared someday.  

And then, you'll really have to watch out for the badassery I come up with!!! :D

**Note: the purple zone is encased in a dotted line, making it possible for INFINITE expansion!  But, I definitely won't think about THAT right now...

LOVELOVELOVE,

Shannon

Seeking...RAWR!

Goodness.

I have been busy!  Tomorrow begins the 4th week of the dance program.

I have readings to do, and choreography to hone, and choreography to create.

Not too shabby.

It's stressful and I get overwhelmed at times.  Then, I remember how amazing it is to dance, as homework. 

I still get discouraged in class sometimes.  But, I am getting more comfortable asking questions, and working on technique and combinations during every ounce of "downtime" in class.  I work on my balance as I wait for the metro (train).  I create choreography as I go to sleep and as I wake up in the morning.  I accept that I am not as advanced as some of the other ladies in the program.  And I keep going!  I WANT to try.  I WANT to get better.  Not for others.  For myself.  <3

I'm including another video from my Hip Hop class.  I am on the right.  The choreography is to a Prince song.  It's pretty wonderful.  lol

And here is my Hip Hop outfit from that day.  Our instructor likes to encourage us to "release the tiger!" so my dress has a wildcat on it.  One of my goals for this program truly IS to release my inner wildcat.  I want to be unapologetically wild, and free to let me be me.  To the fullest extent.  

It's beginning.  

Another thing going on this past week was a quest for head-shots.  For my Business for Dancers class, we have to turn in head-shots, dance resumes, cover letters, and dance bios as part of our mid-term.  Sooo, I attended 2 photoshoots this week.  My classmate is a photographer in her other life, in Norway.  We did a test shoot on Monday to check what the instructor specifically wanted.  Today, we had the "real shoot".  Please enjoy the collage of the events.  We had fun.  Maybe too much... :D

I hope you enjoyed!

I gotta go dance now.

LOVELOVELOVE,

Shannon