Seeking... patience and gentleness

So, today was a rough day.

All of those deep self-doubts rose to the surface and threw my game off in my classes.
It had me questioning whether I should be here, and how could I finish this program "when I am so bad?"

Ugh!

Those thoughts are never fun.  But, it's a choice to believe the negative automatic thoughts.  I choose to power through (and NOT believe those things!).  Powering through is easier said than done.  I had to call in the big guns...Or just make a much-needed phone call to one of my best friends who lives on the opposite side of the country <3  Needless to say, I feel much better than I did earlier!

Tomorrow will be a good day and I will just keep working to become harder, better, faster, stronger (Daft Punk reference! Yeah!).

Yesterday was a good day.  I have included a video of my hip hop class from yesterday!  I think I did really well on the choreography (besides messing up on the ending...) AND I'm pretty much in the middle in the video, so enjoy.

Last week was a good week.  There's too much to break it down into details, but I do have a couple collages for you!

The first one is another dancer from the program.  We're being encouraged to work on our "looks" and come to class "audition ready" so we took a trip to MAC cosmetics... And this particular dancer had NO experience whatsoever with makeup SO I had to do a before/during/after collage :D  

I have some really amazing ladies in my program.  I'm very lucky to learn their stories, as well as witness their growth as we continue this dance journey!

Seeking...immersion!

Well, today was my first day of class (and actually it was Ballet, then Contemporary--not Jazz, as I originally wrote).

I had so much fun!
I was challenged, but felt capable.  I was not the best.  I was not the worst.  The whole group is so supportive!
I will be so sore by the end of this week. 
Bring it on!
One instructor referred to how bangin' our "Christmas bodies" will be at the end of this program.  Sounds good to me. lol

Near the end of the Contemporary class, I was feeling pretty self-conscious.  The class was broken into thirds, and each group took turns performing the choreography for the rest of the class.  My group went first.  I noticed my nervousness and self-consciousness, then I specifically decided to just try and have fun, too.  It made such a difference.  The atmosphere is great with this group of females so far.  Each of us is there for our individual reasons, with our own dance background or lack thereof... No one is there is judge.  We are not in competition.  We can just accept and support each other.  It's absolutely lovely.

Here is a pic of me and a classmate after classes:

She indulged my cheesiness in wanting a "selfie" of this day. :D

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OH, hey!  Bonus!  Here is a collage of my Sunday brunch adventures in West Hollywood with the magnificent family I am staying with:

Seeking...confidence!

I'm still feeling pretty spacey.
Minimally motivated.

Friday was my registration and orientation for the dance program.  It was my first time riding the train(s) into LA, then Hollywood to get to my school.  It was a long train ride (1.5-2hr), but wayyy better than trying to tackle LA traffic with my Subie, then parking...

I will ALWAYS bring my headphones when riding the train in the future.  This is why:

The lady literally scream-sang most of my first train ride, which was an hour.  I was impressed with how everyone on such a full train handled it.  We giggled, and made jokes.  We even tried to clap at one point to signal that the show must be over...  No one was mean to her though, or approached her in a hostile way... Impressed.

Eventually, I arrived in Hollywood.  The entrance to the train is right on the strip.  I was happy that I had already been to Hollywood in the past, so I wasn't overly distracted.  But, I WAS in Hollywood.  NOT as a tourist.   Very interesting feeling.

When I went into International Dance Academy, I was still a tiny bit nervous that maybe I had been tricked into a scam.  But, HOORAY, I had not.  And all is fine.  I had registration with 4 other girls in their twenties (there are about 15 of us altogether).  We took a 30min. placement class, and that's where all my deep fears and doubts arose:  What if I'm not good enough?  What if they think I suck?  What if they regret admitting me to the program? and so on...  I wish I could say that I rocked the placement class.  I didn't.  But, I'm happy to be placed in the beginning classes, because that is where I need to be, and that is where I will learn and flourish.

Some of my goals upon completion of this dance program are:  to improve technical skill in dance, to be able to learn choreography quickly and confidently, and most of all, to accept and own my physical presence in this world.  I have confidence on most fronts, but I want to feel comfortable being seen, especially when I'm presenting my own thoughts and creations.

So, even though I am extremely nervous etc. about classes starting tomorrow (ballet, then jazz in the morning), I plan to kick ass.  I also plan to be patient and gentle with myself while I'm learning how to kick ass... lol.

LOVE, 

Your Cali Girl <3

Seeking...solace in the process

This was on the wall of the coffee shop I went to this morning.  I definitely laughed to myself.  I directly associate this with teachings I learned over and over for my degree in Art Therapy.  I understand deeply that It (life, therapy, art, etc.) is ALL about the process.  I am in "the process" as I type!

I took a walk to the beach today.  Yep, the beach is within a walkable distance.  I was just taking in the wonder and beauty of where I am living right now.  I literally thanked the trees and flowers. lol.  But, it IS beautiful!  I am incredibly lucky to live amidst such beauty.  This place is very close to what I would imagine a fairyland would look like.  Down to the little beach homes, and grape vines and English ivy draped everywhere.  Gorgeous.

Here is a collage from my walk today:

Hibiscus plants abound, beautiful trees, huge agave plants, and the ocean, of course!  I tried to "be productive" and "make a to-do list" today...  How does one stick to a to-do list in a fairy land?  I did not find out today.

I also made you a little video of the ocean:

Please enjoy.  It's a little lonely in fairyland.  I've been thinking about you all alot!  I love the family I'm living with, of course!  But, I do hope to make friends soon.  I'd like to walk with a friend <3

That's all for today.  Much love, and still loads of gratitude...

Seeking...reality-ish

I made it to Long Beach yesterday!
Long journey to be made alone, but it wasn't too bad.  I had good music to hold my hand.
The last leg of the trip through the desert was difficult.  Moira (my Subaru) did not like it.  We stopped for gas near the Nevada/Cali border, and she refused to start again.  Luckily the gas station was very busy and a couple girls next to me came over and offered a jump start.  We realized their battery was in the back of their car and inaccessible, but they lent me their jumper cables, and a guy in a different car was able to jump-start Miss Moira.  Ahh, gratitude.

I made it to the home, where I was welcomed warmly, and I settled in quickly to my room. 

We went to the "Dog Beach" last night, where we saw lots of people and dogs, ate ice cream, and got to view the first half of the eclipse.  
Is this real life?
Maybe reality will sink in soon. I'm trying to appreciate every moment.  I have definitely not "landed" yet.  Floating for now.

Here is a Cali collage for you.  It includes a bit of the sunset from last night in the parking lot of the beach, some of the beautiful foliage in the area, the guava tree behind the house, and my lovely lavender latte from a coffeehouse down the street this morning...

Hopefully my next post will be more grounded, eloquent, and entertaining, but for now... I'm just me <3

Seeking...closure?

So busy!
I have worked and will work everyday until Saturday when I leave Colorado.  
2 days away!

Very little time for introspection...

Here's a collage of my morning/afternoon...

Tying up loose ends at home.  Packing.  Getting some stuff in my vehicle.  Having a lovely lunch with some wonderful females from the dance studio I've worked at all summer...  Working now.  "Goodbye Karaoke" on the docket tonight for some endings with co-workers at the restaurant I've been working at the last couple of months.

Moving at the speed of light!

LOVELOVELOVE!

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Some "Goodbye Karaoke" love...

Seeking... something.

My intention with this blog is to put some of my life journey into words.  I believe I have done important things in my life before now, but I'm starting with the chapter of life I'm on...

The current chapter is really about making a dream tangible.
Believing I can do it.
Reaching out to others.
Sitting with the disbelief/insecurities/fears that arise.

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I have always loved dance.  Just about as much as I've loved art.  There was never time, funds, transportation etc. for dance classes as a kid.  But, I have always loved dance.  Dance is fun for me as well as expressive and spiritual. 

In FOUR days... I'm driving to California to attend a dance program in Hollywood, for three months.  In my mind, it's the craziest thing I have ever done.  I'm doing this for myself. And my inner child.  She is happy, and I am happy.

In preparation for this experience, I have learned a some things:
  1. I can do whatever the fuck I want.  When I think, "Oh no, I could never do that," I'm beginning to respond, "Why not?  Do I want to do something like that?  Great, now I will explore how to do it."  We hold ourselves back in this world with our beliefs about what we can and cannot do. 

  2. I need others.  I cannot do everything by myself.  I am independent and strong, and I still need help. I need the help and support and love of all the wonderful people I have collected thus far in my life. I would NOT be making this trip if I had operated within a vacuum.  Old friends, acquaintances, previous professors, new friends, family members... I am ASTOUNDED and feeling tremendous gratitude to all of these positive influences in my life.  All of those who believed this was a kickass idea, even when I was still stuck on how "crazy" it was. 

I'm learning things from this experience of preparation daily.
The dance program itself is a huge deal to me, of course.
But, preparing and being creative to make this whole thing into a reality... THAT is huge and important.  Something like this does not fall into your lap.  It's manifested with research, and networking, and introspection, and tears and doubt, then belief and amazement.  That's why I am SO excited now.  That's why I'm prepared to let this experience continue to open my heart and change my life. 

This is where I'm at in the journey today.
Thanks for reading and following along <3